To Everyone I've Ever Ghosted,
I'm honestly not sorry for ghosting you.
Before I go into a deep explanation, I want to make one thing perfectly clear: My husband had ZERO part of this. My husband isn't jealous, nor is he controlling. And not once did my husband ever suggest, force, or manipulate me into cutting ties with anyone in my life.
If I ghosted you, it's because you were toxic to ME. You can't heal in the same environment that made you sick. And most times, holding on does more damage than letting go.
I stayed in toxic friendships for the same reason why I stayed in toxic relationships: I felt trapped.
But I couldn't handle the amount of toxicity that I endured.
I endured comments about how worthless I was for not really knowing how to cook that many things (Despite learning), being morbidly obese, being a female (In general), not having a job, and not being very attractive. My self-worth had been degraded by my so-called "friends".
When did it become okay for everyone to be so cruel towards me?
A couple of months before I met my husband, I met another man. He wrote poems about me. His poems consisted of me being the light of his life, not knowing what love was before he met me, and thinking I was the most beautiful person alive. I remember he took $90 of his disability check and spent it on 4 Feisty Pets plush toys for me. My very first ones, actually. He knew how much I wanted them. And it made me feel so special that he remembered. But I never fully gave myself to him, because something always felt wrong. One day, our mutual friend messaged me. He was concerned that I was talking to this man a little too much. He eventually told me that this man had been in a relationship for the past 10 years, and expressed that he didn't want me to get hurt. I confronted this man, asking him why he never told me. I was upset, but not shocked. Like I said, something felt wrong. And this was it. As soon as I found out, I stopped communication with that man. I even stopped communication with our mutual friend. I'm not a homewrecker. And if I knew that man was in a relationship, I wouldn't have pursued anything with him.
And on top of that, I was dealing with other men that weren't worth my time. Ugh...
A couple of months passed by, and I was starting to feel really negative about myself. I somehow stumbled across a Body Positivity group for BBWs and SSBBWs. I joined. I made a couple of posts, and got flooded with friend requests. They were mainly from Indians and Nigerians, but there were a few Americans in there. I'm a fairly private person, though, and I didn't want these strangers on my friend list. I was rejecting their friend requests, one-by-one. And then... Things got a bit complicated.
I received a friend request from someone. His profile photo (At the time) was a dirt biking photo. And all of his other photos and posts were all on private. I didn't know what he looked like, or what he was like. I didn't know where he lived. I didn't know anything about this stranger. There was a voice inside my head that told me, "Don't reject his friend request!", so I didn't. In fact, I also didn't approve his friend request. I left him waiting for 2 days, wondering why I couldn't bring myself to reject the friend request. Something kept telling me not to, and I didn't know why. After making him wait for 2 days, I finally accepted his friend request. Within an hour, he sent me a message. This gave me an hour to snoop through his photos and posts. He had a lot of female friends. Overly flirty ones, too. And I thought he was somewhere between 22-24 years old. And the extremely weird thing is... I felt insanely jealous of these overly flirty female friends of his. But I found this man to be absolutely breathtaking.
When we did finally start talking, the conversation just naturally flowed. And it felt like I had known him forever, which is the bizarre part. I found out he was 19, almost 20. Quite a few years off my 22-24 years old assumption. When he'd leave to go to bed, or leave for work, I felt abandoned. Within a matter of hours, I was so attached to this young man. Thankfully, he also felt it. After the second day of talking, we confessed that we loved each other. After the third day of talking, we confessed that we were in love with each other. I know everyone thinks that's really fast. And they're right; It was really fast. However... This was the first time in my entire life that I felt an overwhelming sense of love. Like the Universe or a Higher Power made sure that we crossed paths. And I know that sounds so insane, but there was an immediate connection with this man that I've never felt with anyone else. I was happy. And when he asked me to be his girlfriend, instead of one of those other overly flirty females, I knew it was because he wanted to be with ME; Not them.
Of course, I had people whispering terrible things in my ears. I'm still not sure if it's because they were genuinely concerned for me, or because they couldn't bare the thought that I was happy and they weren't...
"How do you know that he's not doing things behind your back? He lives STATES away. Long distance relationships never work out. Are you sure you can trust him?"
The Short Answer: Yes, I'm sure I can trust him.
I married this man on Halloween 2018. This man made the sacrifice to leave his entire family behind, to come live with me. This man is my husband. And I would do anything and everything to make him happy. But in order to do that, I had to make myself happy. I had to ghost the toxic people in my life. And for that, I'm honestly not sorry. My husband has done more for me in the 3 years that I've known him for, than any of those so-called "friends" ever did for me. Even before my husband came to see me for the first time, he took care of my soul. He made me smile. He made me laugh. He made me feel safe. And he always asked me how I was. He never made the conversation all about him. He wanted to make sure I was okay. Even after he just had a 12 hour long work shift doing landscaping in the desert heat, he'd make sure I was okay. Even a few weeks later (When him and his family went to the summer house), when he had a severe toothache, he made sure I was okay. He barely talked about the amount of massive pain he was in, because he wanted to talk to me. And just a week later, I finally got to hold him in my arms. He made sacrifices for me. He made life altering choices for me. And no one has ever done that before. And, yet, my so-called "friends" wanted me to put this man on trial for things that he never did.
So, in conclusion...
I'm honestly not sorry for ghosting anyone.
My husband thinks I'm beautiful.
I've learned more cooking recipes that my husband enjoys eating.
My husband told me that if I was under 200 lbs. he wouldn't even want to be with me, BECAUSE HE PREFERS FAT WOMEN.
My husband doesn't care that I don't have a job.
And above all, I'm happy.
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