The hardest part about long distance relationships is wanting to hold someone in your arms, but not being able to. The amount of times I've cried myself to sleep, because I miss Steven so incredibly much, is absolutely ridiculous. But every part of me aches for him to be here.
I've had people ask me, "What if your partner is doing things behind your back? You really don't know what he's doing, when he's back at home. What if he's cheating on you? It's not like you'd ever know." And those questions HURT. Yes, I've felt that way MANY times. I always get that voice in the back of my head that says, "What if...?" And it SUCKS.
With my last long distance relationship, I NEVER trusted him. So when I found out that he was doing things behind my back, it didn't surprise me. It didn't even hurt me as much as I thought it would. How can it hurt me, when I didn't have any feelings for him? I didn't love him. I wasn't in love with him. I didn't even care about him. I honestly don't know why I stuck around. There was NOTHING there. And he felt the same way. Which is why he cheated. Why stay faithful to someone you don't love and aren't in love with? Why stay faithful to someone you don't even care about? Breaking up was something we both should have done LONG before it reached that point, though. Despite him being unfaithful, I was still faithful. I wasn't going to let that change my character. I might be a lot of things, but I've NEVER been a cheater.
But Steven? I love Steven. I'm in love with Steven. And I do my best to trust him. Sure, I still wonder "What if...?" way more than I'd like to admit. I guess it's a natural reaction to being treated so poorly in the past. However, deep down, I do trust Steven with every fiber of my being. And when he says that he would never cheat on me or hurt me, I try my hardest to believe him. Do I honestly believe he would ever hurt me? No, of course not. I don't believe that someone as wonderful as him, that treats me like a Goddess, would ever go out of his way to hurt me. But that doesn't stop the voices in my head whispering, "What if...?" all the time.
When you've never been in a healthy relationship before, your brain automatically thinks that something is wrong. And even though this is the ONLY healthy relationship I've EVER had, my brain tries to sabotage everything. It immediately tells me, "Things have never been this great. Something is DEFINITELY wrong." And that REALLY sucks. But Steven is really good about calming me down, reassuring me that everything is fine, and making me feel loved. I've never once questioned his love for me.
Only 23-days left. And then Steven will be back here. He said he wants to try and find a job, while he's here, so he can take me out on dates and help pay for stuff. Which is really sweet. He said he felt bad about me taking him out on dates, but him not taking me out on any dates. I explained to him that it was fine, because I know his bank kept taking monthly maintenance fees from him, and that I didn't EXPECT for him to have a lot of money to take me places. He said he still felt bad, because he wants to take me out. As long as he's not working on Valentine's Day, or our 1-Year-Anniversary, then I'm okay with it. But he's just looking for something part-time, a few hours a day. So nothing that will take him away from me for too long.
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